7th March 2009

Its 2009 March already.. a quarter of the year. So damn fast..

Work has been going fine at the moment and I've been quite lucky. Just wondering how long the luck would last.

The past 3 months have been quite a difficult time with many things to think about. Outside of work life has just been.. stagnant .. maybe to the point of going backwards a bit.

I guess sometimes when i look around .. the people who know me the most and understand me turns out to be those who i know relatively most recently. I cant help but have the feeling that only a handful of those who I've know since school days actually understand me...

Maybe I changed.. or maybe I didn't change and became stagnant. Or maybe everybody just has their own worries and problems and we just shut ourselves off from trying to know people. Just trying to find someone to release all our problems into and just hope they would listen and we dont have to listen back.

Or maybe I am just quite such a boring person that out of work I don't have anything to look forward to - no outings, no activities, no trips - just simply because I cant find anyone to agree to do anything with.

I sometimes try too hard to help people's lives (non-family) who I feel that I care about - maybe they just don't need it or don't want it. Maybe I'm just trying too hard about it. In the end maybe what someone said was true, that it can only hurt myself.

I guess life is to be lived for myself at the moment. I'm gonna just try to live for myself until someone wants to live for me I guess. I'm just so very tired. I just want to live for myself now that I have some small means for doing so.

I realize more and more that its just not worth it to be nice to people who take you for granted when you are nice to them. Its just ironic that the majority of your friends, the people who value your friendship the most, are the ones that you get to know so recently. Or maybe my life is just that sad and the problem is with me and not others. I don't know. I just want to live and breath for myself now.

Gonna register for the wall climbing package I've always said I would do... Gonna get my passport made and pick a place to back pack alone, to hell with whether anyone is interested in following or not. My life is not to be wasted to wallow at loneliness.

I take solace in knowing that I still have people who know who I am and how I am other than just my name, where i come from and superficial things. I take solace in knowing that they know the kind of person I really am and cherish what we do and how we understand each other and how our every conversation and outing makes us understand and share each other's problems and joys and success and failures better. To the people who know me like that and in which I am priviledged to know them for their stories, I feel it is the most satisfying of all.

Its the feeling of being true.